“I am the main character of my own story. ”

In January, I found a book called Find Your Fuck Yeah by Alexis Rockley in a bookstore in Berlin. As someone who loves the feeling of getting lost in the worlds created by fiction books, the thought of purchasing a so called self-help book was never on my mind. However, something about this book stood out to me - possibility, its title. I purchased it, flew back to Japan, and put it my tsundoku (a stack of books waiting to be read) where it stayed for a good month and a bit, until I finally decided to open it. And oh boy, what a book. Each chapter I read made me feel heard and helped me gain clarity on how my thoughts were making me feel.

Ever since I started job hunting in university, I felt that the job I get is who I will be and ultimately make me who I am. To gain more self worth, I wanted “better” jobs, leading me to chase job title after job title to help myself define who I was. I began to feel the only way I can create meaning of my life was from the outside, relying on external validation, rather than building my identity from within.

Rockley’s book describes how our society conditions us to think this way, especially through education. As kids, we are told we can be anything and do anything we want, but as we get older, we are told to change that mindset and to aim to get a “real” job to fit into this factory-like society which values speed and efficiency. She also explains how schools emphasizes students to “receive” education rather than “providing” opportunities for students to discover and create. As a result, students are gradually led to display their “worth” by getting good grades. As a teacher, I had found myself pushing students to meet deadlines rather than giving them space to explore and develop their passions. This disconnect between what I hope education should be and what it actually was led to my decision to take a break from being a teacher.

Another part of the book that resonated with me was the idea of play. Kids play all the time, which allows them to discover what interests them. The beauty of play is that it doesn’t matter if you are good or bad, because it’s a way to discover yourself and of course, have fun! Yet, as I got older, I found myself feeling reluctant to play due to my feeling ashamed of not being “good enough”. This feeling of shame, or fear of judgement, had led me to hold myself back in so many opportunities that came my way.

Shame - the fear of not meeting expectations and feeling unworthy. I had spent so much time trying to fit these external expectations that I discarded what I actually wanted to do. And when I did realize I wasn’t being true to myself, I felt anger and sadness - anger at the realization and sadness toward myself for not seeing it sooner. Rockley explains that we feel this pain because it hurts our ego, leading us to go into defense mode. However, if we can accept pain as an opportunity, it can help us gain clarity on ourselves, forgive ourselves and move forward.

Recently, I had a conversation with friends about meditation while I was reading a section in the book on self-awareness. It made me reflect on how much of my life has been spent planning for the future instead of living in the present. As a teacher, I was constantly focused on creating lesson plans, planning assessments, writing report cards, leaving very little time to truly connect with my students in the moment. Rockley shares that happiness is a process, not a destination. To find true happiness, it requires us to build self-awareness by being mindful of our present thoughts and emotions, and build the courage to face our fears by being kind to ourselves when we found ourselves in challenging moments.

So, how do I hope to find my fuckyeah?

For me, finding my fuck yeah isn’t just about trying new things. It’s about being intentional in how I approach life. It means allowing myself to play, being kind to myself when things feel messy, and embracing change despite the discomfort I will feel. My fuckyeah is a feeling - a sense of belonging and the feeling of being worthy by being true to myself.

So, moving forward, I want to be open to play for self-discovery. I want to be more present and aware of my thoughts and emotions. I want to be kind and patient with myself to understand my feelings as I go through change, which is messy. And lastly, I want to feel good about expressing “main character energy” as I develop this website on myself :)

thank you for reading. <3

My main character vibes coming through when I played Glinda in Wizard of Oz :)