practice.

The grade 12s at the school I work at just had their graduation. The speeches by the students were so heartwarming… their messages to their peers really made me feel how special their lives at an international boarding school must be, and how much the people around you can shape who you become.

A friend recently shared a reel on instagram of the author Ahmed Paul Keeler who said that 14 year olds begin what's called their “great rebellion.” It's the age when they start to create their ‘own society’ as they begin their journey into adulthood. Until then, kids are not given many chances to imagine - toys are becoming more pre-made to do one specific thing instead of being tools to create, phones give us nonstop stimulation, and kid are being even more supervised by adults, which limits how much they can explore the world on their own. So at 14, they begin to rebel in order to make sense of their world. So high school is the time when they’ve already started experimenting and they just want to keep going.

Looking back on my own experiences, I’m grateful for the people I had around me during those years. Because of them, I felt safe enough to experiment and figure out what I hope to do in this world. I was stepping out of my comfort zone - I just joined an organization run by a university when I was in high school, performed in front of a large crowds, and went on solo overseas trips.

From my high school yearbook

But then something changed within me and I stoped feeling safe to explore.

As I began to think about why and reflect on my time as a high schooler as I watched the graduation ceremony. I wondered my experience becoming more part of the Japanese society might have impacted me. I spent the first 15 years of my life in more Western settings. But at 15, I moved back to Japan and experienced culture shock, which stories aren’t just funny anecdotes but real moments of discomfort.

All of this got me thinking about how hard I’ve found it to “tune into myself” and really be present.

Even though being present and aware of yourself is an idea in Buddhism which is a major belief in Asian cultures, mindfulness I feel is more of a Western concept. It’s about tuning into yourself and acting in accordance to how you feel. When you are put into a situation where you feel some discomfort, you are encouraged to share your feelings to the people around you. But in Asian societies, you’re taught to blend in and to not cause trouble towards others. So if you feel discomfort, you hold it in and keep smiling to make you don’t bother the people around you. And while that mindset has made me a more empathetic person, I wonder if part of why I’ve struggled with mindfulness is because I didn’t grow up practicing it.

I was telling a friend recently that I get triggered when people say things like “you do that because you’re Asian” or “that’s so Japanese of you.” I felt that trigger comes from my struggles with identity. But I also wonder if it’s because I’ve started to realize I’m becoming more “Asian” and less “Western” and that challenges the sense of self I had identified with. So why is it so hard for me to embrace this part of myself?

I think a big part of it is that I’m judging myself. But, why do I judge myself? Is it because I don’t feel like I’m enough when I see others doing things better than me? Why do I feel the need to be good at something right away? Maybe it’s because I didn’t get much praise growing up and felt less supported. #middlechildtrauma lol

I recently rewatched the Ghibli film 耳をすませば (Whisper of the Heart). A message of the story is that it is okay to not be perfect when you’re starting something new. What matters is that you started. And with time, you’ll get better.

So I guess I need to remind myself of the same things I always tell my students - practice.